I Gave Wind to the Earth and Now I Can’t Go to Church

I Gave Wind to the Earth and Now I Can’t Go to Church

I farted on a global scale. The church won’t take me back (maybe because they are still rebuilding), but your cart probably will. A theological crisis powered by wind and merch.

This Wasn’t Supposed to Be a Movement

There I was, trying to be eco-conscious, eating my organic kale and overthinking every plastic straw... and then it happened. One gust of gastrointestinal betrayal and suddenly I’m not welcome in polite society, family dinners, or heaven.

“The Earth felt it. God heard it. My colon was the trumpet of the apocalypse.” - Literally me, apologizing to a fern

So I did what any emotionally unstable eco-warrior would do. I slapped that shame on merch and sold it. If I can’t be forgiven, I’ll at least be profitable. I gave wind to the Earth, and the Earth gave me branding.

The Merch You Never Knew You Needed

This collection is for the flatulent, the unholy, the winded warriors of sustainability. Your embarrassment is valid. But it’s also a marketing opportunity.

Still Not Absolved?

Try these if you’re still spiritually banished and emotionally bloated:

May the holy spirit pass through you... preferably silently. 👇

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